i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
