CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
