don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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