Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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