You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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