you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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