he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
