dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
