so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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