I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
