I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
