It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
