The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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