im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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