I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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