I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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