the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
