I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
