He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
