i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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