Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
