i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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