dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
