I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
