walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
