I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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