Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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