i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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