I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
