My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
