how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
