You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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