just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
