Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
