I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
