Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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