i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
