I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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