My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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