I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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