Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
