At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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