I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
