i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
