i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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