"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
