Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
