My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
