Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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