he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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