i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
