The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
