i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
