I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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